Premature Nostalgia? Or, Why I Love Korea

I'm not great with expressing emotions. Actually, that's only partly true. I am fairly capable of expressing anger and frustration. I am more than happy to show when I am feeling happy, or excited, or overjoyed. Sadness, though, has never been my forte. I don't like feeling sad. I don't like others to know when I feel sad. I work to hide it, or avoid it, which means it usually catches up with me at inopportune moments. But, I'm working on learning from my mistakes instead of repeating them, and am starting to think it's time I learned to let myself feel sad when I am. So, hey, I'm sad. In fact, it's not even sadness as much as a premature sense of longing for what I will soon miss: everything in Korea. Ok, not everything. Still, there are so many things I will miss that I feel completely overwhelmed by how much this city and country have become my home in the time I've been here. I don't have doubts about going to graduate school, and I certainly have no doubts about going to Prague in the fall. It's the leaving Korea part that's hard.

I am not making a bucket list for this last month. I have plans to do things that I've wanted to do all along, but I am not suddenly thinking of the things I need to do one more time before I go, and I'm not going to try to think of new things that I should have done. One of the best things about Korea has been the way in which I have gained patience and an appreciation of the present. I've gotten much better at enjoying what is happening without worrying about what is coming next. And if you're reading this and thinking: Ha! Yeah right! I get it, I'm still not great at this - I'm simply getting better. So, to honor that trait, I am trying to just live this month. I am trying to get things done to leave early, so that I can continue to appreciate whatever events and opportunities come my way, and appreciate those things rather than wishing I'd done something on a list.

Still, it seems strange not to make some kind of list. I'm a big fan of lists. I make to-do lists and pro/con lists and playlists...I love lists. So the following list has been building for, well, the whole time I've lived here.

At Namsan Tower in Seoul they have a fence with locks, mine is in the middle. I like the idea that it will probably be there for a while.

Things I Love About Korea (and will miss)

(in no particular order)

• The market women on my street whom I pass almost daily, and who always smile and acknowledge me in return. They were the first people to make me feel like I was part of the neighborhood.
• My students - or 95% of them - who will be the hardest people to leave behind, and who have made my time here worthwhile beyond a doubt.
• The ex-pat community in Busan, which made me feel welcome, gave me a place to belong, and has produced countless friendships that I hope to maintain for years to come.
• The KTX - and the Mugunghwa and Saemaul - trains.
• The Hadan 5-Day Market
• The Juice Farm cafe in Dangni, my first neighborhood coffeeshop.
• Hands in Dangni, my most recent coffeeshop.
• The walk to Hadan.
• Nice taxi drivers, especially those who engaged me in conversation, and therefore put up with my attempts to speak Korean.
• Learning to speak Korean
• The Kimbap ladies who let me order meals without meat and fish, and even smile at me now, even though I think they hated me for being a picky vegetarian for the first few months.
• The subway.
• The 1001 bus, and all of the other buses to boot.
• Busan harbor at night.
• Busan harbor during the day.
• All of the beaches, but especially Gwangan-li and the bridge.
• PIFF
• The Fireworks Festival
• The lanterns hung around the city (and country) for Buddha's birthday
• The Dadaepo Kite Festival
• Visiting Pyeongtaek, where I made friends with the unlikeliest of people from my past and can't imagine not having that friendship now.
• Visiting Seoul and becoming better friends with someone from the past who I'm so grateful to be closer to now.
• Discovering a group of female friends in Busan who have shown me nothing but acceptance and warmth.
• My coworkers, both present and past, who I've been grateful to have with me on the journey that is working at a hagwon.
• The random people who have come and gone, and in doing so have opened my eyes to new experiences, ideas, and cultures.
• BSNL
• The Busan Musical Revue
• The Vagina Monologues 1 and 2 - and Eva's, where my picture still hangs from the 1st show in 2010.
• The usual places and faces in Kyungsung on a Saturday night
• The view of the ocean from the walk around Dongbaek
• The ocean in general
• The mountains outside my window
• The mountains in general
• Seeing and trying to read Korean everywhere - and the moments when I realize that I understood what I read
• Hearing Korean - and the moments when I realize I've understood what I've heard
• Trusting things to work out even when I have no idea what's happening - like when I was in the hospital, or whenever I've gotten my hair cut...among other things
• Eating outside my cultural norms and comfort zone: raw octopus, grilled octopus, roasted and marinated silk worm larvae, pickled squid, processed fish, raw oyster, fried shrimp and pickled everything
• Learning that I like pickles
• Trying new foods that are within my comfort zone, and learning to make (some of) them at home for myself: ddok bokki, bibim bap, kimbap, kimchi, and (my favorite) sun dubu jjigae
• Learning to live without foods and other things that I'd taken for granted (like cheese)
• My apartment (though for the first 4 or 5 months I despised it with a passion)
• My kayageum, and learning to play despite a serious language barrier with my teacher. Luckily, music is a universal language, and can help us overcome almost any barrier in our way.
• Having lots of free time
• Learning to love myself and my body, even when naysayers (like my students and strangers on the subway and in stores) tried to make me feel inferior and out of place. This is a love in progress.
• Won, especially the 50,000 notes, which are really beautiful.
• My bank teller, who always is kind and flatters me, and makes banking a breeze.
• The ajumma at the GS25 down the block, who just the other day grabbed my hands and rubbed them because she felt bad for me that they were cold when she handed me my change.
• Cute Korean babies, which are everywhere.
• Nampo-dong and Jagalchi
• The mornings I spent last spring learning that I am capable of being calm long enough to do yoga, followed by Korean classes, followed by reading the news and doing the crossword at a cafe in PNU - if I had a regret, it would be that I stopped that routine.
• Temples. Every single one I have been to has left an impression on me. Despite meeting many people who feel like seeing one is like seeing them all, I still find a different kind of magic and energy at each temple I've visited. I think it's fair to say I loved Yonggungsa the best, perhaps because we went on Lunar New Year's Day and it was so full of people and prayer and promise for the coming year - plus I went with two amazing friends. Tongdosa is probably second on the list, or Daewonsa, which was stunning in the mist and drizzle of a fall day.
• Jirisan, despite the fact that hiking that mountain was utterly miserable in the rain. The challenge was met, and I felt like I was on top of the world when we reached that peak.
• Crazy nights spent out until the sun rose
• Artbox, and all of the cutesy products they - and other similar stores - sell
• My students' pencil cases
• Lighting fireworks and sparklers on the beach
• Spending the 4th of July at Camp Humphreys
• The traditional village in Suwon
• The Cherry Blossom Festival in Jinhae
• Our trip to Jinha beach, including a wild ride on...something...at an old amusement park
• The motorbike trip we took back from Jinha along the coast from Ulsan to Busan
• Gamcheon Wildflower Park (ok, if I had a bucket list, this would be on it...)
• Walking across Yeong-do in the snow on the crazy snow day earlier this year with an amazing friend, on the way to see other amazing friends
• Taking my kids outside to the parking lot to catch snowflakes on our tongues when it first snowed a few flurries
• Feeling safe almost all of the time
• Learning that I can pick up and move across the world and make a home and a life for myself

Thank you to all of the people who have made my life here in Korea amazing. I will miss you all when I go, and hope to come back and see some familiar faces in the not-too-distant future. I look forward to the time I have left with all of you, and know we'll make the most of it : )